18th November 09

At this point of my life, i began to ask myself why am i such an idiot clindging on in a relationship where im a 3rd party?Folishness and blindness gets a better of me and i did learn that how much i hurt the others-you knw what i mean. When u move on, things change and you will tend 2 meet someone new in your life. Friends you can make and they will become more worthwhile if they are true! Life moves on without my best friends as things get more and more awkward between us.Lets put it this way, we doubt each other.

The miracle thing about changing is that once there are new people surrounding you, you tend to see things in a different perspective. They teach you things that you migt not even thought of indirectly. Meeting new people gives u fresh minds and more ideas. Throughout that process, you might met someone who is relatively close to you in a way. You felt very comfortable being with this person and it's ;like the both of you can talk for ages. I really would like to knw more about her things and listen to her the whole day. When I woke up, she is the only thing on my mind. Don't really know whether this is really the feeling and the person im lookIng for but i wrote a poem for her. Anyone reads it jx leave a comment. Its not really good so dont laugh...

YOUR PRESENCE IN ME...

Thou shall not be afraid

For what thee should say

Do not shy away

For my presence sake

Let thee be the one to say

How lovely thou are today

Everyday-to-day

Neverending smiles to they

Kindness and generosity

Thou shall not fade

Making thee fond to

From that day.

Deniz!!!

I need to know

What he heck am i doing? What time isit? Y am i not in bed when i shud be and my class is 8am 2mr? Y do i still wait for him even if he knows that im waiting and doesnt care? Y? Tell me y am i doing all this to hurt myself?I felt so so so so so so so stupid rite now.....I cant even think properly. Why should i love this person if he doesnt love me? What am i holding on to?The sweet memories>?I know better im not gonna get it back from him...But y?darn man...even i cant think properly...

A Normal Human Being.....

Today : 22nd September 2008
Time : 532pm


Today,Denise is in a normal mood. Not emo and stuff!! Just felt as usual like the times where i haven't fell for anyone. Time really heals a person no matter what it is including your feelings for someone. It's not hard and it ain't easy as well. But once you felt that your love one does not love or care for you as he should then that is the time when you need to wake up. When you told him sincerely and truthfully how much you love him but he did not responded, it's sad and very discouraging. I don't worry about anything much now. Time will take its course and maybe by then, he won't be anything to me. Just a very normal friend. Im very tired now. I need rest!!

My Feelings!!!!

Its been a few months now since i've updated my blog. How am i now? Not fine! At least my feelings are clear now. I am still in this kind of relationship that i dont even know what am i. I love being with him but till now,im not happy! How long does this have to go on? How long can i stand? Im really very tired of being a doorman! He may not tink its true but what im experiencing is the other way round. I know love is suffer, commitment and sacrifices but how can i do this by myself? I cared for him alot but now i think i should be the 1 to let go. C, please tell me what i should do to you? When i look at you unhappy, my heart sinks,but if i move on i will be so hurt! Im all bruising now but you can't see. I acted nothing in front of you but there is something. You are so different now than u were before and i hate to ask you this question but "What am i to you"?. If you tell me now that you have no feelings towards me and im a waste of your time then ok! At least i have a clear picture on what i am. The reason i stay is because i wana make you happy! I wana help you and go through the tough road that you are going through now.

I am badly hurt already! I think its time to say goodbye. I love you but your love is hard for me to reach and i have tried my best to do so already! Its not that i dont want you, but you dont want me!
Goodbye!

Accused!

Have you been accused by someone for the things that you have not done? Well im having this kind of problem now. It starts like this, my mother asked me what i've been doing in university and that my reputation was'nt good. Am i having an affair with alot of guys or am i a party girl or what? Man, i was so god damn piss when i heard that. First thing first, whatever im doing is non of their god damn business and secondly what the f$%& are they telling my parents? I mean what did i do to them? I woke up every morning and go to class as usual and if i didnt i will just stay back and online. Oh my god, and i seldom come out from my hole -unless im going out for lunch or so. Maybe they see me going out with too much different guys but wth, do they know that they just drop me by when there are classes or when we have the same class we carpool. Omg,i just cnt stand these kampung people. They see you with a guy then he is ur bf and you can never go out with someone else other than that guy. Wat the f@$&^. Tell mela, what can i do if they cant shut their big mouth? And if i really go out with a guy that often so what is the problem if we are just friends? I have the rights being with friends not only with girls ok. Before this i don't really have guys as friends and my mother accused me of being a lesbian and that i was dating one of my friends who used to stay over. Come on man! Give me a break and if they really believe in me then don't interfere. I can swear to god that i did nothing that will put me in danger and that i did nothing to spoil my reputation. They want to accuse me then so be it! Say some more! Its still not enough bad. Say that im a whore who makes a living sleeping with guys. Say that I smuggle drugs and the "big sister' of the triads. Go on say it! I don't give a damn. I hate being accused and i certainly hate it coming out from my parents. Hire a private investigator and check on me 24/7. Then you will knw what i did throughout the day. Im trying to make a change on the fact that i don't like what im studying now. I want a change and be a better person so please don't give me anymore stupid problems. I just wana finish my studies and get with my life and don't ever tell me what to do as you dont even know what i wanted to do.You still wana see me then don't ever accuse me ever again or else i will not even want to see you again. DONT THINK I DONT DARE!

Now Me!

Tears keep rolling down, hearts swell and emotionally hurt..Why do i still felt so hurt by you? Should i reconsider not being your friend anymore or go on treating u as a friend?So why do i felt that all im doing is on my own will like im minding some1s business?I let go of my pride alot for you already.What else could i do?What more could i do for you friend?Its very sad for me to see you having no directions in life and i really want to help you go through this hard times. Doesnt matter what the outcome is but when you get better already,im afraid i will not be there anymore. All i can do now is just that. Please just held yourself back together and dont do stupid things. My heart sank when you told me how much you wana leave this world. I could still hold on and i will do my very best to do so. But whatever the outcome is, just be it! I will hope the best of you and i will proceed in my dreams and my world.What is meant to be will be, I dont want anymore guesses and dont want anymore stress. Like i said before,'let time heal'. MY wound is still bleeding but i dont feel the pain anymore.If it really bleeds to my death so shall it!

next year will be a year of hope! I want to do something out of the ordinary. I will suceed and i want everyone in this world knows how extraordinary am i. I may not be a straight A student but i knw me. Now my focus is my career n my studies. Build up my empire n build up myself.

denise

Tell Me What Is Love??

Lets say you know everything in life huh??Tell me,what does love means to you??Something very sweet with lots of hugs and kisses or is it something that cause you pain and stress?You know,I used to advise people on the "love" kinda thing but when this really happens to me im a real loser at it. 'Leave that freak for all he did cause you pain',was what came out everytime my friends fail in a relationship. When i look back at myself now i will tell myself that im talking bullshit all this while.It's very hard for us to be cruel when we are drawn into this pathetic feeling of love. I fell in love with this guy-which im not suppose to,and i really thought i can get over him in no time but 'NOO'. This feeling just gets deeper and deeper.Clindging on to something where you don't know when its gona hurt you another time again is so challenging yet so stupid. Yet,what can you do since you love that jackass so much?ahahahahha...funny!

The realistic side of me tells me to leave this guy once and for all but i gotta be honest with you, i can't. Im just not ready to give up that easily. My f@#$king ego! This will be the last chance im giving myself to try an d make this relationship work. If it does'nt then 'hastala vista' babe. Not easy for me yet not that hard. I believe that you need to sacrifice in order to get what you want.

To my dear friends,you know the exact story,im doing this is because i wana try one last time. If you guys happen to read this i hope you guys ubderstand. Im a stubborn person, like all of you, but i know what im up to. Not that easy to find someone you really have this feelings to and if i really fail, i wont cry again.I will always love you guys!